i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
