There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
