I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
