he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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