saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
