i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
