He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
