Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
