So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
