Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
