does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
