Already got asked if we're dating
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
