Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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