I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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