Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
