I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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