Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize