New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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