I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
