I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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