Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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