He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize