Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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