I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
