That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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