I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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