like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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