Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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