Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize