please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
