good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
