I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
