Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
that may or may not have been my penis.
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