I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
