he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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