just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
