I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize