he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
