Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
