I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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