Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
