I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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