At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
