i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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