The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
