if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
