i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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