Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize