The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
