i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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