My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
