I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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