Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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