i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
