your parents love me but you hate me
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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