I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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