I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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