he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
