Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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