nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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