He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
