Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
