I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have fence marks all over my body
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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