so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize