he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize