Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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