When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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