Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize